My journey since SBWCC

I have had a good, lovely, and fun journey since getting out. Right after I got home I took some time to thoroughly clean my house and bring it back to order after having been gone for 8 months. Then about a couple weeks after I got home I put in notice that I was going to move, so it was looking for new places to live, which was fun a little, but I didn’t accomplish much. No one wants to rent to a felon! On a whim I decided to run out to Meridian to look at some apartments managed by my same property management company. I liked them, despite the fact that they were way the heck out in Meridian. I have a car and money for gas, so I decided to move there. And since I was with the same property management company, I didn’t need to fill out an application; instead I was instantly approved. So then began the process of packing and cleaning. After I loved to my new home, with which I am SUPER PLEASED and GRATEFUL to be living here, I got in touch with the LDS church missionaries, and they began coming to my house. I’ve attended church there, have been diligently studying their faith, and have decided that I would like to get baptized into their church. That will take place in September, hopefully right before my 42nd birthday. Religion makes me happy and I love to study, so I’m happy spending my days doing that.
   I also decided that I would continue my higher education if I could find a reputable school that was accredited, online, and ideally, free. Of course I didn’t think I’d actually find one, but I did, and I’m in the process of being approved. School starts in November, so hopefully I’ll be officially approved by then. I shall be studying for my bachelor’s degree in business administration. I’m happy and excited, and pray that everything works out.
   The best thing about being out is being with my family again, my son, my daughter, and my grandson. I hope soon for approval for contact with my husband, even if it’s only church and counseling and aa meetings. My daughter is pg and due in January, so we have that to look forward to. She just recently found out that the baby is a girl, and everyone is happy about that. I’ve also been helping her out in various ways since she had a seizure, and plan to continue that.
   One of the things that every enjoyable was my volunteering with ML. I spent quite a bit of time with her and her family and getting to know her, what she likes, what she doesn’t, and hearing stories of when she was younger, then a wife, then a mother, then a grandmother. She’s had a lot of adventures and had a whole gaggle of crazy kids. I’ve looked at pictures and seen paintings and held crocheted blankets that she’s made or had given to her. It was a joy to be able to help her.
   What I’m looking forward to is my baptism in the LDS church, going to school for my degree in business administration, and holding my new baby granddaughter.
   Are there any negatives? Well of course. My husband and I are not yet approved to live together, I spent a lot of money moving to Meridian, and i pay way too much for a car payment and insurance. Also, some of the women we were in prison with have relapsed and  are incarcerated again, and that makes me sad. Yet it strengthens my resolve to stay clean and sober.  Nothing is insurmountable,and my faith in God and humanity will assist me. I pray for all of us who are struggling. I am so very blessed in my life. I am so grateful.
  

It’s been two years

It’s been 2 years since I wrote anything in this blog.  I’m a little iffy because I don’t know if this blog is public or not…I don’t think it is, but I’m going to write in it anyway.

I’m sitting at home, at my new apartment in Meridian, and listening to KTSY on the radio.  Of course, it’s a radio app, because I don’t actually own a radio!  Yes, that might be good to invest in one…maybe, we’ll see.

I’m an “investigator” into the Mormon Church.  The what?  Yes, you heard me right, the Mormon Church.  As a result, I’ve given up caffeine…and yes, I really have.  The rest of it I’m still working on, but it’s coming along, slowly but surely.  I REALLY like the Mormon faith.  It makes such sense to me, and the people are so NICE; they really live what they believe.  I had a good experience with them when I was in prison.  In fact, I have had a good experience with them since I looked them up in 2012, and toured the Mormon temple.  I had the Sister Missionaries come visit me then, and they have been awesome ever since.  I’ve had four sets of missionaries…one at Bannock, then no one at Onaga, then one set at Antietam before prison, and one set after prison…and now the Sister Missionaries here at Sawtooth.

(Gosh, I really can think of a lot to write about.)  I guess I’ll just have to piece it off, little by little.

Anyway, the LDS.  I prefer the “Mormons” but they themselves call themselves “LDS”. That’s okay, whatever.  I’m good with everything.  Adonis has been spending a lot of time with me this summer, since I got out of prison, and he has been my little Church companion.  He likes going to Church…in fact, I think he loves God, because he is the one that asked me about God and Church and Jesus and Mary and all that when I lived at Antietam.  Of course, Chelsey was all paranoid…”Oh, I don’t want to teach him about religion because….blah blah blah.”  Basically, my overdosing both the kids when they were small made them both anti-religion.  Boy, did that backfire in my face!  Well, nothing I can do about it…anyway, Adonis wanted to know about Jesus and God and Mary, etc., so I told him.  He loved it!  So now he is my Church buddy.  We have been to church twice, and he’ll be back before school, and he will come visit with me and we will go to Church again.  This time I’ll put him in the primary class, and he can be with other kids his age.  I think he’s really going to like it, but I am by no means shoving religion down his throat!  Not my kid and not my place!  I will, however, guide him as Chelsey will allow me to.  I think he likes it and needs some guidance, anyway.  I’m glad to have a little buddy go to Church with me.

I moved to Sawtooth Village Apartments in Meridian, Idaho.  Basically the corner of McMillan and Linder, in Meridian.  Whew, I’m way out here!  But there is a Fred Meyer close, and a Walmart, and a Walgreens across the street, and of course they are buidling more stuff, so there will be more shops around here.  I trust the Lord will put in exactly what I need to be here.  I’m LOVING it here, way out here.  The only problem is that it costs me a lot of money to go back and forth to Boise.  But I don’t have a lot of classes left to do…maybe one more month, but it will probably be longer than that.  I know I have some left in RPG, and I have to finish the mentoring and the testimony for MRT.  I am glad to do it, then I’ll be done and won’t worry about coming to Boise twice a week.  And I have my counseling sessions all set up in Meridian, and the only thing I need to do is get a doctor out here…don’t know where I’m going to do that, though.  I need to…I need someone to give me my crazy meds.  I guess I can go into Boise once every two weeks…although I don’t want to.  But I love my doctor, Dr. Mock!  But I guess I’ll do what I have to do, right? I hate having to go into Boise all the time.  So I’ll try to find someone closer.

I’m doing well with my probation.  It’s nice.  I hope my new PO doesn’t want me to go to AA.  I hate AA!  I have been going to the LDS 12 step meeting, which is nice.  I love those meetings!  They happen at 8 pm on Tuesday nights.  I will go there.  But AA? Not so much…

The thing with online journals, private or not, is that I don’t know who has access to them…so I don’t know who is reading what, and therefore I have some things I want to write, but I am afraid to…ugh.  Oh well, I guess I’ll just deal with it!

I have started fasting.  Oh, you’re not supposed to fast because you’re diabetic, you say! Well I say, whatever.  I can do whatever I want.  It’s fine.  I’m fine.  The fasting is fine. In fact, today is a fast day.  I’m fasting for the purpose of conquering my addictions.  All of them.  With the Lord is the Victory! Oh, and to get spiritual strength as well.  I need it!

Well, I think I’ll end this now and browse around the web.  I hardly get on the internet.  I want it available to me when I want it, but I don’t use it everyday.  Not on the computer, anyway.

Poem: 3-Some

This poem is one of my favorites.
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3-Some

Uncle P loves to play with me
Uncle H loves feeding me cake
Both make me smile
Then we laugh for a while
And see what a 3-some we make!

One Uncle tickles my belly
While one tickles under my chin
And both Uncles tickle my fancy
Then we do it all over again
Oh what a 3-some we make, we 3
Yes what a 3-some we make!

My Uncles are dark and lovely
Both handsome as pure gold
Both are so fine
And both are all mine
So see what a 3-some we make, my boys
Yes what a 3-some we make!

…
W. Spencer
2/25/12

Poem: Bringing the Dawn

Not all my poetry is darksome and about pain, demons, or addiction. Here’s one recently written about staying awake all night,  something I love to do, even without meth.

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Bringing the Dawn

At early dusk she laughs with painted glee:
“I’ll stay up all night,  myself awake the dawn! ”
A midnight stroke and what is it that we see?
Eyes wide open, narry the slightest yawn.

” A lovely night, so fair, so fair, ” says she.
” A cup o’ Joe to help me stay awake. ”
Two hours pass, what is it that we see?
Alive and pert, a beautiful breath to take.

At half past four, the morning hours wee
Creep closer, our sweet sun to soon arise.
Another glance to find now what we see,
A healthy yawn to play with half-mast eyes.

Now seven a.m. we peek again to see
A weary face and lowly drooping head.
” The sun is up, the time is right, ” says she,
“The perfect time for me to go to bed!”

…
W. Spencer
3/30/2013

Poem: Pull Me Back

Pull Me Back

You entrap me here with your sweet smile
You enslave me with your voice
Your eyes they pierce my soul to its core
Was loving you ever my choice?

Who can withstand your seductive gaze?
Who can resist your touch?
How will I ever break free from your grasp?
Why do I love you so much?

Your voice so sultry, whispering love
Your promises all are a lie
My faceless lover, you ravish my soul,
Then bite me, making me cry.

Why cry for you?
Why lie for you?
I pray I never
Die for you.

My mind is breaking, I need to leave
My heart is blackened by sin
Just as I begin to walk out that door
Your devil eyes pull me back in.

…
W.  Spencer
2010

Untitled Snippets

Sometimes little bits of poetry come to me and I write them down. Sometimes they turn into longer poems, and sometimes they stay just bits. Here’s some from 2012:

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Untitled Snippets

#1
I am yours
In a way that I am no one else’s
I give you me
I’ve given myself fully to you
Shall you take
Everything to you that I offer?
It’s my heart
Pumping with life I present.

#2
Delicate, like a rose
I behold your exquisite beauty
The dark lines of grace
Run through your delicate frame
Your mind, vastly unexplored
Shines out like a radiant star
Your light is a beacon
Which beckons me come.

#3
Love and acceptance
Not necessarily in that order
Each point to the other
Leading it forth.

#4
You fill me with joy
Between us, our
Silent gestures of love
A hand to the wrist
Assuring me of your presence
A hand to my breast
Signals to you my devotion
I blink my assent
When you ask for my heart.

#5
Can you see it?
That light shining up from the bottom
Peeking around in my heart
Illuminating all the dark corners.
It brightens up
All the secret nooks
   and hidden crannies
Radiates out
Pouring forth sun on us all.

…
W. Spencer
January 2012

Poem: Broken

Reality Broken

Broken
Spirit, broken
Soul, broken
Beyond repair?
Don’t know.
Broken
Promises, broken
Hearts, when
Did all this
Madness start?
Broken
Glances, broken
Bones, broken
Disabled,
All alone.
Broken
Mirrors, broken
She dies,
Why did I
Believe the lies?
Broken
Vision, broken
Mind, broken
Young, broken
Time.

…
W. Spencer
2010

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Written after I had been drinking and using for a couple years, after I left my second husband, was in the process of divorcing him, and was beginning to feel my brain crack due to prolonged exposure to drugs and alcohol. I was broken, yet still alive…

Poem: Eclipsed By Madness

Written in State Hospital South,  Blackfoot, Idaho. One of my favorites.

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Eclipsed By Madness

As the sun rises
Ascending the sky
My paranoia and
Hateful fear growing
Peaking and reaching
Its zenith on high
As the noon with its
Brightful light glowing
Glowing and growing
Its frightful seeds sowing
As it reaches its zenith on high.

And like the seed planted
Breaks forth from its shell
Pushes up and
Releases its hold
So grows my fright
Of the demons from hell
That curse me
Reviling my soul
Reviling while smiling
My soul slowly dying
For it’s cursed by the demons from hell.

And all those who love me
My family and friends
Even those who just
Know me by name
See the destruction
That’s taking its toll
How the devil is
Playing his game
He’s flaying and playing
While I’m desperately praying
As destruction is taking its toll.

So thus passes on
The best years of my life
While my spirit
So painfully dies
And when ends the torment
There’s no one who knows
Is there anyone
Hearing my cries?
Eyes tearing I’m fearing
The demons are leering
Of my torment there’s no one that knows.

I’m in institutions
In locked down psych units
For fear my madness complete
And when I’ll go home
Is unsure and unknown
Or if ever this illness I’ll beat.
I’m fighting yet trying
Ignoring their lying
That never this illness I’ll beat.

W. Spencer
7/4/09
SHS Blackfoot, Idaho

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I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2001, and this stay in SHS was my first–the “culmination”, if you will, of many years of being in and out of the local psychiatric hospital.

While being in any hospital can be an unpleasant occurance, this stay did produce a few good poems.

Poem: Insane Asylum

I was hospitalized in Idaho State Hospital South, in Blackfoot,  in 2009, for about three months. That resulted in a few poems,  one of which I will share with you now.

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Insane Asylum

I’m walking down the hall
in the Admissions Unit of
State Hospital South
in Blackfoot.
There’s some fucken loon
in the dayroom
Just running his mouth–
God help me.
So I came into my room
Where it’s quiet and safe
Picked up my pen and began to write.
Then I thanked the good Lord
my door is closed
cuz someone down my hallway
lets rip a good one and sighs.
O God help me.

I can’t wait to get the hell out
And go back home where
I’ll sleep on my own bed
And when I wake up
I can make a pot of coffee,
Smoke a ciggy if I want,
Turn on the computer and
Check my email if I want.
I can shower
In the privacy of my own bathroom
And walk into my bedroom
Naked if I want.
I can eat breakfast
When I want
And eat
What I want
On my own plates and my
Own silverware
With real butter and white toast
if I want–
And I’m really looking forward to the
Pot of real coffee.

I can drive my car
Wherever I want to go
And all my picture frames
Will have glass in them.

No nurses station
No cafeteria
No long hallways.
No strange crazy people farting
No watchful nurses who are checking on me
Every half hour.
No treatment plan
No goal group —
No, nothing like that.

I’ve been institutionalized so long
I almost forgot what freedom is like.
But now I remember and I
Can’t wait to go home.

W. Spencer
July 2009
SHS Blackfoot,  Idaho

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I’m in the mood for posting so I’ll post another one written in the same time period.  It’s very different than this one.

Thank you for reading.

Poem: Closer

One of my favorites!

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Closer

Someday you will know it is you that I own
My plaything to do as I wish
And wherever you go you are never alone
I’m as close as the pulse on your wrist

Come closer… Breathe
Come closer… To me
Come close now your lips I will kiss

All through your waking I find you breathtaking
This canvas I fill with your grooves
Don’t you know who you are, you’re my own private star
I memorize all of your moves

Come closer… To me
You’re closer… I see
Your body I’ll put to good use

At night when you’re sleeping it’s then that I’m creeping
Up closer, I’m longing to touch
Your face looks so placid, your limbs are all flaccid
The ache that I feel is too much

Come closer… I need
You closer… I breathe
Your scent in,  it fills me with lust

Now that I have you, surprised you and grabbed you
I’m taking you straight to my home
When we get there I will brush out your hair
It’s the last thing that you’ll ever own

We’re closer… You see?
Much closer… To me
My plaything is never alone

W. Spencer
January 27, 2012

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Absolutely delicious. Thanks for reading it. Tell me what you think. There’s a story and a background to the narrator of the poem. I’ll post it if you are interested. This is one of the poems that has a rhythmic cadence to it that is much better recited by the author. My Sexxie Exxie calls poems like these songs or lyrics, but this one technically isn’t. It’s just has good rhythm and timing if recited right.